My friend George first introduced me to Tim and Eric circa 2009 after he liked a clip of Richard Dunn’s smile being stretched to a horrific extent on Facebook. Somehow this ended up on my newsfeed and I couldn’t stop laughing at it. Since then I’ve always found myself popping back to the Tim and Eric sketches on YouTube, because of those specific moments which just make me cry out in laughter.
A staple of their show is the running gag of Cinco—a conglomerate on the scale of Apple or GlaxoSmithKline, which creates ridiculous products for niche scenarios and often results in unnerving, gross or surreal commercials—contributing to the mockery of public access television that lay at the heart of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!.
With each Cinco commercial, another part of their world is built. A world where Cinco has a financially viable portfolio of products with high demand and can afford to pour money into such innovations, loosely justifying them through their commercials. I just can’t quite pin down why I find these so funny, but I think it’s a commentary on the quick-fix, solution-obsessed nature of our society. With Cinco, all these minor inconveniences perceived by at least one person has led to this product being created and eventually sold on to the mass market.
The hypothetical waste of time, money and thought that has gone into these products is laughable, but they also say a lot about the stuff we buy to fix our own problems. A constant ‘ends justifies the means’ theme runs throughout the products’ functions, often causing great physical distress and harm to its users and their loved ones. But as long as the problem is solved, then it’s all good. Thanks Cinco! (Note: The problems are often completely non-existent until Cinco loosely justifies their existence).
I do think this is amplified in my case since I work in marketing myself and it’s very easy for me to draw comparisons between what I sometimes hear in my work and what I see in Cinco, with its scathing mockery of marketing. You do also see the same ‘soulless corporation’ found in Cinco in other forms all across comedy media: Sullivan’s in Comedy Bang! Bang!; Globo-Chem in Mr Show; and of course that to which all of these must be somewhat inspired by, the Acme Corporation from Looney Tunes.
“How far would you go to avoid damage to your teeth?” is one such question that Cinco proposes to consumers, with their answer at the ready. This is just one such inconvenience that Cinco can easily provide a solution to. I do remember fondly that me and George were crying in laughter for at least 30 minutes at a now deleted Wikipedia article listing Cinco products, where the introductory paragraph dryly stated that “at least three of the products require removal of all of the users teeth”.
So now, it’s about time that I brought together all my favourite Cinco commercials and products, and talked about why I love them so much:
Cinco-Fone
The C-Fone is by far my favourite product. Designed by Cinco’s Mobile division, the C-Fone is a “revolutionary new device” presented by a shirt-tucked Ed Begley Jr. in an ethereal white zone, surrounded by a cascading soundscape of touch-tones and celestial ambience. Ed has been deemed the perfect influencer for the C-Fone by Cinco’s marketing department, renowned for his environmental activism and (to me anyways, thanks to The Simpsons) an adopter of cutting-edge electrical technologies. He lists off the features of the C-Fone and demonstrating its easy to use functions:
- One Button Operation
- Dual Antennas
- Inability to receive calls
- Weighs a sturdy 2.7lbs
- Up to 2nd degree burns* *cooling gel provided
- Battery lasts up to ONE full call (later confirmed to have a 2 hour call time)
Ed decides to demonstrate the simplicity of the One Button Operation feature by calling his mother, conveniently illustrated with a stock-photo of a woman on the phone. After opening both of the C-Fone’s antennas (for better reception, duh) we see how to enter a number. You see, the beauty of the C-Fone’s One Button Operation is that you simply press the singular ‘C’ button the number of times corresponding to the phone number you want to enter. Easy right? He notes that you also press NO times for the number zero. Very important to remember. Now, if you think the C-Fone is a must-buy already then it only gets better. The best thing about the device is that you can’t receive calls, so you’ll never be bothered by someone trying to contact you again at the holy trinity of occasions: work, golf and time at the beach.
After a short break from the infomercial we return to learn even more about the device – it weighs a sturdy 2.7lbs which brings the benefits of never falling out of your pocket as demonstrated by our influencer who proceeds to mimic those daily, highly active moments such as when you’re walking on the spot or skipping on top of a trash can.
However the C-Fone does come with a slight drawback, in that owning and using such a powerful device can provide up to 2nd degree burns to the face (the claim text being consistent with the previous ‘features’). Ed doesn’t realise that he has a painful burn on his face as he is obviously having too much fun with the device. Though fret not, as Cinco Mobile has Ed and you covered by providing each customer with a tube of specialised Cinco-Fone Cooling Gel, described on pack as ‘Fast and Effective Pain Relief Against Cell Phone Heat, Enriched With Nutrients And Vitamins’ (Warning: Cooling Gel is toxic, do not swallow).
An incredibly uncomfortable demonstration is provided as Ed rubs the Cooling Gel over his face, taking great pleasure in its application which is accompanied by signature Tim and Eric sound effects of the gross squelching and squirting variety. He seems to have so much fun with the gel that he goes on to call it ‘kick-ass’ in his gel-drunken stupor and goes on to commend it whilst on the phone to his lift home in the following backstage segment. In this peak at the life of Ed Begley Jr., he forgets the ‘features’ of a one call battery, inability to receive calls and two hour charge time leaving him stranded at the set after saying he’ll call back before hanging up.
To me, this sketch is just a culmination of dumb creativity, audio-visual whimsy and scathing commentary on the world of technology. There’s loads to unpack. The obvious crappiness of the device and flaws disguised as features draws massive comparisons to highly fashionable consumer electronics such as Apple or Samsung and their constant attempts to be innovative. The casting of Ed Begley Jr. in this dumb premise is golden; reminiscent of arbitrary celebrity endorsement in advertisements and the detachment to reality with such scenarios as skipping on a trashcan. The conviction in his voice as he tells us about all the revolutionary features, holding it up to the camera and telling us that “It’s a great phone” is the easiest thing they can do to sell it and the complete ecstasy in his face during the prolonged gel application sequence always comes to mind when I shave in the morning.
I always end up late for my morning train rewatching this and repeating “boy that soothes” when applying moisturiser.
Facetime Party Snoozer
A man who’s trying to get a nap is woken up by his beloved fiancé. He really doesn’t want to go and socialise at his Engagement Party so she encourages him to put on his Cinco Facetime Party Snoozer.
“Cinco Facetime Party Snoozer…” he recites to himself in a gaze of inspiration. This is when we’re introduced to the eponymous product itself in all its horrific glory. Presented on a display stand, the Cinco Facetime Party Snoozer is a transparent mask with open eye imagery to allow you to sleep through social gatherings without anyone noticing. Seeing it in a real-life application, the man’s sleeping face is disguised by the glossy, translucent blanket of the mask. His body propped up on a convenient body brace to maintain his posture as he manages to glide through a mundane conversation you would expect to have at such a gathering. One guest drones on about his tax rebate as the product dispenses one of the 5 distinct audio responses:
- Okay
- I understand
- Sure, Why not?
- Thanks for coming
- Sounds good
These are all delivered as flat and monotonously as the topics they’re conversing with. Myself and George joke around a lot and quote these lines as ‘non-responses’ to one another—which in a way makes a statement on just how boring the things we all talk about in these situations are. The fact that you can boil down responses to these 5 phrases and still be manage to maintain a relationship implies a linguistic element to the research and development of the party snoozer which I just don’t want to imagine. It’s also very noteworthy that these voice lines are read by the professional voice of Romm Oah Denmirk (a grotesquely airbrushed headshot of Bob Odenkirk flies onto the screen).
Along with the body brace and 5 unique phrases, the party snoozer also comes with Fairly Tiny Ear Phones playing soothing elevator music to blank out all conversation and we see a cutaway of the sleeping man inside enjoying some much-deserved rest.
Cinco Identity Generator 2.5
Somewhere, in a reverberant blue chamber with bleeping and blooping in the background and a narrow metal walkway suspended in air, a tie wearing, roll-up sleeved Paul Rudd begins another day of work after grabbing himself a sloshing cup of coffee. As he checks the time and makes his way to the end of the gangway to sit at his desk he cracks his fingers and delicately taps the space bar, loading up his desktop and its main application: Cinco Identity Generator 2.5.
Paul’s Computer greets him and asks what his first sequence of the day is. He kindly requests his computer to load up Celery Man. A Windows 97-esque window appears with a dancing Paul Rudd—dressed in a baggy, silver, Spandau Ballet-esque outfit as he dances to a small burst of an arpeggiated synth. Paul watches intently at his computer.
Asking his computer to “Kick up the 4d3d3d3”, it’s then engaged and the onboard personality livens up along with his dance moves and the music. The 4d3d3d3 protocol has so many implications on the technical aspects of not only the product, but the product’s purpose, as well as Paul Rudd’s expertise in his profession—along with that implication that this is a full-time job already.
Paul then hurriedly types (or tickles) the keyboard to “add sequence: OYSTER” as a streetwear-punk-clad identity appears, performing a “dishing out” motion with his hand with all the appropriate attitude. Paul efficiently requests for a print out of Oyster smiling. (Side note, I always think this sequence photo looks like Andy Samberg). Why would he need a print out of him smiling? I have no clue but it’s funny as fuck.
Inquiring about new sequences, we’re then introduced to Tayne, Paul’s latest dancer who can’t wait to “Enter-Tayne” him. Tayne bounces out of one of his windows onto the title bar at the top. The fact that Tayne refers to himself as a dancer can tell us so much. It tells us that this is about more than generating identities, it’s about making them dance for Paul’s sole amusement.
In one of the sketch’s most popular lines, Paul enthusiastically says whilst brandishing his coffee mug “Now Tayne I can get into!” as he continues to stare intently at this latest dancing iteration of himself. He goes on to request a hat wobble and Flarhgunnstow (a move I believed to be of European origin until writing this, after which I’m not so sure. See this hilarious Reddit thread exploring the subject). After going through the intensely painful experience of seeing a nude Tayne, Paul rejects a call from his wife since “We have important work to do”. He continues the start of his working day, examining more sequences generated by this algorithm including Oyster, Celery Man and an unnamed builder identity which I would love to know more about.
From what I can tell, the Cinco Identity Generator 2.5 is a heavily specialised and top-secret bit of software, with only the most skilled technicians being qualified to operate it. This is why I’m glad Paul is at the helm.
Cincocon/E-Trial Announcement
The presentation of the E-Trial is less of a focus on the commercial but the scenario of its first use. We meet Mark and Terry Cinco, two technology moguls and the genius founders of the all powerful Cinco Corporation. This is more of a saga of sketches as opposed to one singular dose of insanity. The Brothers Cinco are played by both Heidecker and Wareheim with bright orange fake tan, bald caps and ghastly prosthetic noses.
We see them in a familiar setting to Bill Gates or Tim Cook at their Cincocon keynote address, presenting their latest innovations to the typical audience of all-white middle-aged men with a little bit too much enthusiasm for the Cinco portfolio. They make a particular highlight of the C-Fone, pointing out during a sudden silence from the audience that “it’s a good phone” and pointing to the audience. My headcanon during this part is that they’re pointing to front row special guest Ed Begley Jr. who is attending the conference (Commenter NEON MULLET got this idea in my head and I can’t escape it).
They swiftly move on to announcing on huge news, “The biggest news” that Terry Cinco has been accused of the murder of his wife. RIP Lynn Cinco. This announcement is the catalyst for their next announcement of the Cinco E-Trial software (The audience singularly chanting E-Trial in perfect unison after they hear the name for the first time always tickles me—it’s the perfect commentary on how keynote audiences lap up any new announcement they’re given).
The beauty of E-Trial is that it’s going to acquit Terry of his accusation of killing Lynn. The E-Trial video package begins to roll as (in a brilliant detail that I love so much), Mark and Terry are hastily lowered down into some sliding trap doors on the stage, obviously inserted with the perfect amount of post-production effort the show has.
Honorable Mentions:
Schlaaang Super Seat
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie doesn’t use any of the Cinco intellectual property, but the film does have a large presence of the Schlaaang corporation, acting as the film’s corporate antagonists. Besides the fact that Tim and Eric blow their billion dollar budget provided by Schlaaang (by making a 5 minute short film set in Paris, starring a Johnny Depp lookalike in a full diamond encrusted suit), they introduce the film with a commercial for the Schlaaang Super Seat featuring Chef Goldblum (Jeff Goldblum).
The Schlaaang Super Seat is a revolutionary new product, as always, made to enhance the viewing experience at the cinema. Throw 4D seats out the window, the Super Seat is here.
The Schlaang Super Seat enhances the movie viewing experience in 5 steps:
- A intravenous connection is made to a vein in your arm
- Chemicals are glugged into your body to synchronise your emotions with the movie
- Nose holes are attached to your nasal cavities to guide you into natural breathing pattern as you watch the film
- Odors are introduced to match the excitement levels of the movie
- Finally your feet are manually moved out of your line of sight (quite visibly moving into your line of sight in the demo footage) and above your head level into the patented Schlaaang Stirrups on the suit, to give you “a viewing experience you’ll never forget”.
The Super Seat also comes equipped with an automatic popcorn dispenser in the armrest, however beware as like the Cinco Fone it can provide up to 3rd degree burns (again, posited as though it was a feature).
Finishing off the commercial with a wink, I couldn’t think of a better brand ambassador for the Super Seat than Chef Goldblum. The treatment of his footage is too funny as well, as it’s quite obvious they’ve chopped up his dialogue as the intonation changes in each word.
Bob Odenkirk provides narration again in this one, and one detail of note is his energy when saying the word ‘movie’. It’s dripping with that American obsession with the movie going experience.
As we close the commercial, the Super Seat calibration process begins, requiring the user to rapidly wink with each eye in separate phases, and to remove their dentures and false teeth if possible (yet again they use the one actor they hire for when they have a Cinco commercial requiring removal of all the user’s teeth).
Tairy Greene Machine (Little Danson Man)
Final honorary mention as it’s not so much a product but a trailer for a piece of content featured on a Cinco product. Tairy Greene (Zach Galifianakis) is a big star in the world of Tim and Eric—a class act and master in actor and dance. The Tairy Greene Machine is an entire home entertainment system featuring all the works of Tairy Greene, including Little Dancing Man, where he learns to become a dancer again after losing his ability.
My personal favourite however is Little Danson Man, based purely on Ted Danson’s surname and the aforementioned Little Dancing Man. Starring Ted Danson and David Cross – Danson is shrunk down to miniature after getting zapped by electricity as a result of crashing his car. Honestly one of my favourite bits of this sketch is the reverb on David Cross’ voice. When told that Danson is “about 6 inches” he responds with “What?! THAT’S PERFECT. PERFECT!”. You’ve got to watch the sketch, since the echo from “Perfect” lasts for a good ten seconds. I love it to bits. It comes back again later when he finds out someone took his quarter from his piggy bank, and you can just barely hear it 7 seconds later as we start to fade into the Peter Cetera track made for the film.
minutiae+musings 